Tuesday, February 12

A flaw or a virtue?

I came to a realization about myself tonight. Nothing happened particularly to make me think about this. I was just driving home from my WW meeting (7 lbs down) thinking.

In situations that are potentially of concern (like a sick relative, etc.), I am not very comforting. I don't know what to say to people. I tend to ask a lot of questions so that I know all of the facts, but I don't do the whole encouraging words bit. I think I am more of a problem solver. I try to give options to make things better. It's not that I don't want to encourage or help. I guess I just don't know how to talk like that.

I guess I was thinking about Mike being sick. He has been home from work these last 2 days with congestion in his head, headaches, and a horrible cough that has made him sore from neck to waist. When we talk, I usually don't say nice things like, "Oh, babe, I'm sorry" even though I think it. I ask him what his symptoms are, suggest things to make him feel better and move on.

My dad recently had emergency eye surgery to repair a detached retina. My immediate response upon hearing the news was to ask a million questions and clarify the next steps. Of course I was concerned, but I did not show it with the love I felt.

Now I know this is not a virtue. But is it really a flaw? Do you think people see my approach as lack of emotion? It makes me sad to think that. To all my friends and family out there, I want to you know that the reason I ask those questions is that I don't know how to voice my feelings. I would not feel the need to understand the situation if I didn't care.

I guess the flaw is that I don't know how to put my support into words.


Keri Donald said...

Sounds to me like a man's way of thinking. :) Haha! :)

P.S. Awesome about the WW thing!

The Ayers Family said...

I am totally the same way! Are you an oldest child? Someone once told me it was because I am a fixer and not a fusser. I also have very little patience for sick husbands. Its as if they think they can cough and complain while we women can have a leg amputated one day and be home doing laundry the next.

P.S. thanks for the comment so I could find your blog again! When I tried customizing it I lost ALL my links and it has taken weeks to recover!

Nikki said...

It's funny that you posted this because I recently came to the realization that Jason does the same thing. He tries to fix the problem which frustrates me because all I want to hear are the words of encouragement. Of course, I'm pregnant and can be super hormonal at times, so I can be pretty picky about how I want my husband to react. :)

I really don't think its a flaw though. I think people just have different ways of expressing concern.

Angelle said...

I am an oldest child! Maybe what Kayci said is true. We just inherently want to remedy the situation.

Brittany said...

I don't know what you are talking about. You always listened to my problems when we were kids! Remember all those sleepless nights talking about boys!

Mandi said...

Don't worry, i've never thought of you as a cold person. :) I can understand completely. I ask questions and try and get the facts, and i think in doing that, it shows concern. If you didn't care, you wouldn't ask any questions.

Congrats on your 7 pounds!!!

Emily said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tnemily said...

Congrats on WW, and I don't think of you as cold. I am a TERRIBLE person for support. I don't know what to do. I don't even think I go into the question thing - I think that's better than nothing.

Mirdonamy said...

I think it is a masculine trait that many oldest children (girls) also have. I used to do the same thing, and I still do to an extent. It was seen as annoying, insensitive and harsh to those who I was trying to 'care for' or help, but it's not what I meant. I just wanted to make things better, and I had to know the details before I could try to offer advice. It's the scientist in us, the intelligence over the emotional reaching out with logic.. and LOVE.

I worked on it for years, and now I am more 50/50 with my helping and emotional sympathy. I don't see it as a flaw. I see it as a trait of our personalities. Sometimes people appreciate it, sometimes they don't... but it's not a flaw. You do care, and that's what really matters!

Congrats on the weight drop! I'm down 7lbs too!!!

Liz :) said...

Hi, I'm Liz... a new blogger and I came across your blog this morning and got to reading... I love hearing about other people's views. I have to same I'm the same in this respect, I am not affectionate, per say, I cry alot when things happen, but I do it in the background so nobody could see me, but when people tell me about being sick or surgeries I am the same. I ask tons of questions, probably because I think they missed something and I hope to find what they missed and make it better, problem solver is right! I don't think there is anything wrong with you and I'm sure the people around you know you by now and know that this is the way you express concern, by trying to fix it or figure it out... No problem! :) congrats on the WW by the way, I'm also trying to lose some unwanted weight.. ugh