Numbered days

I have been reluctant to talk about this, not because I'm afraid of what people think, but because I feel guilty. So here it is. I think my breastfeeding days are numbered.

I can rationalize this a lot of ways. Here is one. I did an experiment and started giving Erin formula bottles before bed to see if she was waking up so much because she was hungry. Sure enough, she has slept between 10 and 11 hours at night straight since we started it. So she wasn't getting enough from me before bed to last her. I know that it is normal in breastfed babies to wake up in the night more often, but it doesn't make me enjoy it more.

Here is another one. Erin really seems to love bottles. Whenever one is in her sight, she opens up her little birdie mouth so wide and starts hooting in excitement. When I pull the bottle out for a break, she grabs it and tries to bring it back to her mouth immediately. Who am I to stand in the way of my daughter's happiness?

And really here is the most pressing reason. I am just done. From day one, I have never been one of those moms who feel such a special bond from breastfeeding. It was just my job. I worked through problems to do that job just like anyone else might. But I was never excited about it. I feel just as attached and bonded to Erin when I bottle-feed her.

So there it is. I feel guilty because I should be wanting to do it longer for my child. But six months is pretty good, right? Mike is fine with whatever I want to do, which is saying a lot when he knows our costs are going to go up. Those of you who know him know how very much that means. :)

So our days look like this:
wake-up time - breastfeed
an hour or so later - cereal and fruit
mid-AM - bottle (7 oz)
noon - veggie and maybe cereal
mid-PM - breastfeed
dinner - cereal and veggie
before bed - bottle (7 oz)
middle of night (if awake) - breastfeed

And those breastfeeds will probably gradually change to bottles as time goes on. I really don't anticipate a problem with engorgement because i just don't think I produce that much milk. Erin is always eager to take a bottle, even after breastfeeding. I do kind of feel like that is another rationalization. Well, I just don't have enough milk, I could tell myself. But I know there are things I can do to change that. I just don't really want to put in the effort to continue something I don't enjoy.

It was fun while it lasted.